Broken Smiles
by still-lilies
Summary: Italy is a truly happy person; he doesn't pretend. But he still has his own pain buried deep inside that he has nobody to talk to about. Companion fic to Haze.


_Note: Reading 'Haze' first is suggested. Also, this is a continuation to the Buon San Valentino strips._

* * *

Unlike the serious peers that surround him, Feliciano is a happy person.

He is silly and cheerful and full of life- and he loves it, loves life and everything there is to live for. He is not stupid, he knows life can be cruel and harsh and hard- and it's the little things that make life so beautiful and worth living.

As a child living with Austria, he sometimes observed the people surrounding him- and saw when Hungary seemed suffering and sad despite her smile, saw how she kept on being cheerful despite her fate, saw even when Austria himself smiled despite how it didn't match the rest of his expression.

Young and innocent and naïve, even then he concluded that everybody pretends to smile one day. And he hoped to stay happy despite everything, and promised to enjoy life as much as possible.

He almost promised to be always honest with his feelings and never fake a smile. Almost.

It didn't work out for him.

-

When Feliciano was struck with a new pain for the first time, when he was still innocent and naïve and childish, but less so- came the first time in his life when he couldn't convince himself, for a long while, to stay optimistic.

-

It had just happened one day. He hadn't seen Holy Roman Empire in sixty years, sixty years since he exchanged his first kiss and watched him walk off to an unknown future. Despite the sixty years, he hadn't given up hope, he hadn't stopped believing that one day, Holy Roman Empire will show up, and he will be older and stronger- and he looked forward to greeting him with a bunch of sweets, like he promised.

Exactly sixty years after Italy's first kiss, Elizaveta came to him with a broken expression, Austria accompanying her.

He turned to her. "Hungary, what's wrong?"

The girl_- almost woman, really, and wow, how long has passed?_- wiped a tear, and sighed. "Italy, there is something I have to tell you. Austria, can you leave us?"

They were alone in the room. "Italy…"

-

"_I'm sorry, Italy, but Holy Roman Empire won't- won't be able to see you anytime soon. It- happened a while ago, and I would've told you sooner- but-"_

"_Oh, I'll wait for him!"_

"…_No, this is not what I meant. Allow me to explain."_

_-_

And she did._  
_

-

(...No.)

"I'm sorry, Italy."

_(No. No. No!)_

"I know, it's painful, and especially for you- I know how much you were close, I know that you-"

"But…but… no." _(Keep smiling, keep smiling, keep _smiling_!!!) _"But I promised to meet him, promised to…" (His smile grew and grew until it broke, and it was his own smile but too much his own smile, too convincing and yet too fake) "I promised to make him lots of sweets for his return-"(_And you said, you said, you'll love me, and I love you too, I really do, but-) _"I-I…" _(But _why?_) _"You mean I won't ever see him again-??"

_(The smile stays on, no matter what it stays on, stays on!_)

(And it did stay on. But even that was useless, because it was shattered and fake and lifeless.)

Elizaveta stiffened.

(She did not allow the tears to come- it was the last thing Italy needed, and who knew what he was going through under the smile.)

"…I'm sorry to say this, but--"

(_Somewhere, deep inside, a part of Feliciano_ screamed _and _cried _and broke his smile.)_

Hungary didn't have to say anything. Feliciano told _–not asked, demanded- _her to leave, and for the first in so much time, he cried real tears, raw and cold.

-

There is a part of Feliciano, buried deep inside, that never stops crying. Over the years, he learned to suppress it (and it almost dissapeared, almost, because he'll always feel it, but learned not to let it take over life), because you need to move on and enjoy life, and nothing made him as glad as to know his joy was always real.

On that one day that came every year, like an anniversary of the last time he saw _him_, he entertained himself completely to just keep it buried deep and not to let it spoil what he had been working on for so long, and that is to never, never let his smile turn fake.

-

Then Ludwig gave the ring.

-

Feliciano was shaking, shocked and surprised and blushing, confused by Ludwig's strange behavior, and more importantly, wondering why he was in Ludwig's arms, then-

"You know, if somebody proposed to me like that…I'd probably fall over from laughing too much."

_  
- _

- And then, deep inside, Feliciano _smiled. _

_-_

_(Proposed-? Proposed, proposed…Germany, oh Germany, you- you really do-? And here I was, thinking, 'wait, why is Germany acting so weird?', and maybe I knew all this time, but it never passed my mind that you really did love me- oh, so much explaining to do, and this make me so happy despite the awkward circumstances- and, wait, Germany?...)_

Feliciano wanted to laugh and to cry and to kiss Ludwig endlessly- but couldn't, as he was still shocked and still exploding with emotion from the inside.

"?...Wha? Germany? Germany?" He shook furiously, released from Ludwig's embrace, who was suddenly staring into space with a strange expression. "Are you okay? Heey, Germany!"

Ludwig turned his gaze back towards Feliciano- an empty expression mixed with slight shock. Suddenly, Feliciano was afraid. "Wh-What's wrong? Say something, Germany! _Germany!!"_

There was a silence, that was either short or long, or maybe it was just a very long two minutes of worry, when Ludwig lost that expression and embraced Feliciano again.

Feliciano almost cried- but simply smiled to himself, feeling the tears well up at the corners of his eyes. He returned the hug by caressing Ludwig's back, smiling to himself. Finally, he looked up at Ludwig, smiling sadly. "Germany. And here I was, wondering why you were being weird…you know, I was going to say something longer, buut, mmm, hey, should I call you by name now that we're going to be together? Ludwig."

He laughed quietly to himself and didn't quite manage to cry, because he couldn't bring himself to release all his emotions just like that.

-

Ludwig did the last expected thing when they got home.

They were alone in a room, sharing an awkward silence. Feliciano was about to say something- then Ludwig bent down to whisper in his ear-

"Ever since the 900's-"

Feliciano jolted slightly. The familiarity of the words hit him so hard and he almost scolded himself for thinking about Holy Roman Empire now, when he had Ludwig, and he was happy, but didn't get a chance to realize or properly think anything, because-

"-I've always loved you."

-

_(…)_

His insides laughed, cried, smiled, jumped with utter delight, and this time, a river of tears spilled out of his eyes.

_(Oh god. Oh god. Holy Roman Empire? Germany? Ah, who cares? You're yourself and your words prove that, but, but- really? No, of course you are, you know, I always thought you and him were sort of similar, and maybe you knew him, but I never thought because it was too good to be true, and I know that tone of voice that you use even though you changed so much, so much, and Germany, you know, I never expected that I'll meet him- _you _like this- and now, all I can think about is, Germany, I love and love and love you more than anyone in the world, just like you told me you do-and I hope that after all we've been together for so long- or maybe not so long, maybe I just lost track of time- I hope that another hundreds of years will pass by and you'll still love me.)_

_(Because this is not a romance between human and I can believe that it will last forever.)_

_(Maybe I should really call you Ludwig now?)_

He took a breath, and chocked out, "Oh _Ludwig, _enough surprises for one day…"

-

That night, he cried again, cried everything he has been holding in that one day as he held into Ludwig's shirt. And finally, he released all the pain that he suppressed so well, lifting off a heavy, heavy weight off his chest.

After a while, he dropped the broken smile, and when he looked up at Ludwig to tell him to call him 'Feliciano', he smiled, and the smile felt fresh, the smile felt _real._

_-_

They shared and went over many memories later, both happy and painful and joyous and sad.

-

(_Fin.)_


End file.
